Emotions

So I just looked at the calendar & counted the days instead of weeks (since February is a short month) to my two tentative C-Section dates. This baby will be here in either 21 or 23 days if not beforehand! I am definitely in the homestretch! The fact that I can now count down the days & it is less than a month is crazy! Today I am 36 weeks into this pregnancy. I have so many different emotions & thoughts going through my head right now. On one hand, I totally do not feel prepared for Averly if she were to come today. Her nursery is still not done. I have to finish making her bed skirt for the crib, paint a canvas to hang, paint her book case, wash her clothes (I haven't even started), pack her bag for the hospital, pick out fabric & get a rocker reupholstered...the list goes on & on & on. Maybe once this list (there is a million other lists I need to complete as well) is done I will feel more ready for a new baby in the house.

It just seems so overwhelming when I go to start something all while working (I plan on working up until I have her) & having an 18 month old to keep up with. I am trying so hard to really take in these last few weeks with just my baby boy before Averly is here. I feel bad for Riley because I can't play with him like I used to. He loves to climb all over me & roll around wrestling but I am just to the point where I can't due to my huge belly. Granted, that's what Dada is for, but during the day when it's just us, there's no way. I'm getting more & more worried about how he is going to handle having a baby around 24/7. I'm worried about how I can spread my attention to both of them equally while meeting the needs of both of them. This is top on my list for my anxiety. Riley is a big time Mama's boy & still loves to be held every now & then. He has to have me lay with him before nap time & bed time in order to go to sleep. He still wakes up from time to time at night (usually just once) calling me back in his room. If TAG goes in there instead, it just makes him upset because he wants me & only me until he goes back to sleep. Maybe I've spoiled him a little too much, but I won't say that I've done anything wrong. I love the fact that he still wants me instead of being completely independent. There's plenty of time for that later down the road! I wouldn't change the way I have done things with him no matter what. However, I just don't know how I'm still going to do for him & a newborn all at the same time, especially when TAG is at work or when it comes to things he can't help me do like breastfeeding. And if you have ever breastfed a baby you know that takes up a LOT of time. I know I'm not the first to have these fears & won't be the last but when it's actually about to be happening to me, it's pretty scary to think about. I know it's going to take me a while to adjust to our soon-to-be lifestyle as a family of four (wow that's weird to say!). And TAG too. But I know it's not impossible or nobody would have more than one child!

You can see from the picture how bad Riley was wanting me to hold him when TAG was trying to get a picture of my belly. I've said it before & I'll say it again...the child is spoiled rotten! :0) I guess I'm just going to have to grow another set of arms to compensate for the 2 of them!

Pictures were taken at 34 weeks & 5 days.

On the other hand, I am so ready to have my baby girl here! I just want to hold her, kiss her, smell that sweet newborn smell & rub her soft baby skin. I am so anxious to see who she will look like. Will she be the spitting image of her Daddy like her brother is? Or will she look more like me? Blonde hair or dark hair or no hair? Physically, I am definitely ready to be un-pregnant. My whole body aches & the pressure of her on my pelvic bone is really wearing on me. I feel like she could just fall out at any minute! I know I'm not getting the sleep I need right now, so I am extremely tired & dragging. My lower back is killing me with a dull constant pain. TAG still gives me the best massages ever that help relieve the pain, but as soon as he stops it starts right back up. I know it could be so much worse, so I try not to complain. I have been very blessed to have such wonderful pregnancies. But I'm tired. Just plain tired.

Plus, I'm ready to get my body back in shape. I have gained about 3 pounds more this pregnancy so far than I did with Riley total & I'm worried that it's going to be harder to shed those pounds this time. I guess that's where my husband being a Personal Trainer will come in handy! Although I really don't like working out with him because I feel like he pushes me EXTRA hard just because I'm his wife. Like maybe he's subconsciously getting back at me for nagging him about not putting his dishes in the dishwasher or something! Haha!

Saturday night we had a little scare. I started feeling queasy around 3 or 4 & was having some pretty strong contractions. They were about 15 minutes apart though so nothing to rush to the hospital for. Later on I started throwing up. We still can't figure out exactly why I was sick. I'm not sure if it was something I ate or if it was due to the pain or what. But I've never been in labor before...maybe that's part of it?? Anyway, I started coming around about 10:30 or so & got some rest once the contractions stopped. Yesterday I felt a little better. Just a scary realization that this baby is coming soon whether I am ready or not!

On another note, Riley turned 18 months old on Saturday! My baby is a year & a half? What?? That just doesn't seem real! He is doing just great. Still learning something new every day & impressing his Mama & Dada daily! We are both so proud of our little man & love him more & more every single day! I know he will be a great big brother. He is already so helpful in putting toys or anything he gets out back where he got it. His newest favorite thing to do is to throw away "tash" in the garbage can. We really have to keep an eye on what's in the trash can though because he has gotten a little carried away before. He has thrown away a couple balls & some unopened granola bars. He's so cute though because he will usually ask us before he throws something in there now. He'll hold up a napkin or piece of paper or whatever it is & say "Tash? tash?" until we give him the green light. Oh how I love my little boy!

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! I hope it was great for all! TAG & I are celebrating tonight since the grandparents have Riley.